


The Case of the Green Pigs.

by jhsdhalr



Category: Sherlock (TV), Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-10
Updated: 2012-02-10
Packaged: 2017-10-30 21:39:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/336450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another of my crack stories. This is a Sherlock/Torchwood crossover. It's an AU set in the future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "Oh no" Sherlock shouted "Torchwood are here."

**Author's Note:**

> Team Torchwood and Team Holmes, who are Ghostbusters in this story, unite to rid a country house of a plague of alien green pigs. It's crack with a vengeance.

John was taking what he hoped would be a leisurely bath when Sherlock appeared, fully clothed, in the bathroom doorway. "Have you finished writing up our last case, John?" he asked.

"You mean The Case of the Constipated Cow?" asked John.

"Yes, but it wasn't constipated was it?" said Sherlock, coming right into the bathroom and sitting down on the edge of the bath.

"It was to start with" John muttered.

"Then it wasn't" said Sherlock and began to laugh "as Anderson found out."

John laughed as well. He soon stopped laughing however, as Sherlock laughed so much he fell into the bath. Water splashed everywhere, Sherlock banged his head on the wall and John was squashed down in the bottom of the bath. There was a lot of swearing and complaining for the next several minutes as they both got out of the bath and Sherlock stripped off his wet clothing and threw it all over the bathroom floor for John to tidy up.

Some time later, as John was eating his breakfast, Sherlock came rushing into the kitchen waving his phone. "We've got a job" he shouted "it's in Dorset. Alien pigs."

"How do they know they're alien?" John asked.

"They're green and have six legs" Sherlock explained, sitting down opposite John at the kitchen table "they think they came through the South Coast Rift."

"We don't deal with aliens" John stated firmly "we haven't got the equipment. We're Ghostbusters."

"Ah" said Sherlock, looking smug "they are ghosts though. They fell off a ha-ha and died of shock or something. The owners of the house actually ate two of them so they're definitely dead. They've got the others cut up in their freezers."

"I wouldn't eat a dead alien pig" said John with a shudder.

"It's the nationwide shortage of meat" Sherlock pointed out "you can only get chicken so people are getting desperate for the taste of something different."

"I still wouldn't eat anything alien" John said "especially a green pig with six legs."

"One of them only had five legs" said Sherlock perfectly seriously "they said it had a bit of a limp though. Anyway, I said we'd be there later today so we need to get a move on. I've already contacted the others. Lestrade will be here any moment with the bus so stop eating and get your bag."

"Everything with you is a mad rush" John complained as he got up, "you're lucky my bag is always packed and ready to go."

"Great" said Sherlock. "That'll be him now" he added, as the sound of a horn echoed through the building "let's go."

Gregory Lestrade was sitting behind the wheel of a twelve seater bus parked just outside the building. The back six seats had been removed for the equipment Sherlock thought was required to rid the country of bothersome ghosts. In two of the other seats sat Sally Donovan and Philpot Anderson, the remainder of Sherlock's small team of Ghostbusters. John and Sherlock jumped into the bus after throwing their bags in the back.

"Morning all" said John cheerfully "we're off to Dorset it seems."

"We aren't equipped to deal with aliens" Anderson complained, as the bus started to move.

"He" said Sally, glaring at Sherlock "always accepts every job and we have to suffer for it." 

"I'm looking forward to it" said Greg "it'll be a change of pace and scenery. It's been ages since I went to Dorset. Besides, these pigs are ghosts. We all know how to deal with ghosts, don't we?"

"We're a professional team" said Sherlock "and with me in charge we are the greatest Ghostbusting team in Britain. Trust me."

"I trusted you last week" snarled Anderson "and I got covered in cow shit."

"It made the rest of us very happy though" said Greg smiling "didn't it? You ought to be pleased you're capable of giving us all so much enjoyment, Philpot."

"Don't call me that" said Anderson "Phil will do."

"It isn't his fault his family have no taste or common sense" said Sally. 

"No it isn't" said Anderson. Sherlock, Greg and John started to laugh at that. Anderson was irritated. "I don't see why that's funny" he complained.

"It isn't his fault" said Sally, trying to come to Anderson's rescue.

"Of course it isn't" said Greg, over the sound of laughter.

"How long is it going to take to get there, anyhow?" Sally shouted, trying to change the subject "that's what I want to know."

"About four hours" said Greg "once we get out of London and if we don't stop for too long anywhere."

Five minutes later they were stuck in an enormous traffic jam caused by an accident someplace, so it actually took them six hours to get to Dorset and that didn't include a half hour stop to eat. Eventually, however, they arrived at a huge gateway which opened like magic as they approached. They drove down a long winding driveway and soon a large house built like a medieval castle appeared in view. Just by the entrance doorway was parked a familiar black SUV with Torchwood emblazoned on the side.

"Oh no" Sherlock shouted "Torchwood are here."

********

While team Holmes were arriving at the Castle and being shown their rooms, team Torchwood were setting up their equipment in the Great Hall. They had a lot of equipment. Owen was particularly irritated at the amount of stuff Jack considered necessary for eliminating a few alien pigs. They could hardly get in the SUV for boxes and bags and guns.

"What's in this box then?" Owen finally asked, as Jack dumped yet another box in front of him.

"That's our Laser Blaster kit" said Jack.

"I seem to remember it was useless last time we used it" said Owen, scowling.

"We didn't set it up right" Tosh explained calmly "we didn't align the grid correctly."

"Oh" said Owen "is that why we couldn't detect a ghost when it was right in front of us?"

"Never mind that" Gwen called from the hall doorway "guess who's arrived."

"That Sherlock Holmes and his team of incompetents probably" Owen shouted back "come over here and give us a hand, Gwen, anyone can stand looking out of a door."

"He's insane" said Jack "you know what he said to me last time we met? He said my teeth needed re-whitening and he knew I'd had eggs and bacon for breakfast. He said I had a piece of bacon caught in one of my back teeth and I hadn't had a shower for two days and six hours."

"I wondered what the smell was" said Owen. Jack gave him a push and he fell and bumped into a box of ghost tracking powder. Owen pushed back. They stood glaring at each other.

Ianto rescued the powder. "Don't waste that" he said "it's expensive."

"He told me my entire life history" said Tosh, ignoring Jack and Owen with some difficulty "he even knew where my Mother was born."

"He knew all about Rhys" said Gwen "he made me feel strange. He looked right through me."

"They'd better not get in our way" Jack grumbled "they don't know anything about aliens."

At that moment the Hammonds, the owners of the building, came into the Hall. They were, without a doubt, one of the oddest looking couples in the entire universe. The first time the Torchwood team saw them they had, despite all the weird things they'd seen over the last several years, been astonished. Mr Greaves Hammond was about seven foot tall and, for some reason, had blue hair on the top of his head and pink hair everywhere else. He also had a ring in his nose. A very large ring. Mrs Absinthia Hammond was around four foot tall and around four foot wide and had very large feet. She had no hair at all on her head but she did possess a luxuriant red beard.

"I see you're setting up your equipment" said Greaves intelligently. 

"Your colleagues have arrived" said Absinthia "Jacob is showing them to their rooms. I'm afraid there'll be some sharing."

"They aren't really our colleagues" said Jack "we can manage quite well without them and of course we don't mind sharing. Ianto and I always share."

"We believe in the old maxim the more the merrier" said Greaves, smiling from his great height "both Absinthia and I are sure you can all work together to rid us of these pigs. They were out and about again last night. Running through the building and up and down the stairs and bleating all the time."

"Interesting" said Jack "pigs don't usually bleat. I've never heard a pig bleat, not even on Ursa Cantori and there were some very odd animals there."

"They make grunting noises as well" said Absinthia "where's Ursa Cantori? Is it near the South Coast?"

"You just go toward the Milky Way and turn left" said Jack "no, that's the scenic route, it's better to turn right first and then turn left and go straight up after that. I had great fun when I was there. I went on a chicken hunt. One of them bit me. It was hiding in a Maybelline bush and they can camouflage themselves so well, you know, that I didn't see it, and they have teeth and it bit me. They have to be able to hide well because they have four legs in a row and when they run they keep tripping themselves up. I had fantastic sex with a lion tamer just after that. He had two cocks and------"

"Two?" gasped Absinthia, looking seriously interested all of a sudden.

"Yes" Jack told her "one was here and one was here and he could come with both at once, it was------"

"Jack" Ianto shouted, interrupting Jack's rather graphic demonstration "no-one is interested in how many cocks your old lovers had."

"Yes, we are" said Gwen. Tosh and Absinthia nodded in agreement.

Greaves had begun to look somewhat irritated. "I think we should get back to the matter in hand" he said solemnly "namely, these pigs. One of them has a leg missing. It can't keep up with the others so you could probably catch that one first."

"Don't worry" Jack said, smiling a wide and brilliant smile at them "we'll soon get rid of them for you."

"We have confidence in you" said Greaves.

"Don't forget dinner is at seven" Absinthia told them as she and Greaves turned to leave the hall "I'm afraid it's pork. I hope you like pork."

"We all love it" said Jack "alien pork is delicious, especially the crackling."

"Good" called Absinthia from the doorway "we'll see you all there then. Don't forget it's at seven."

"We wont" called Jack in reply.

"Is alien pork really delicious?" asked Gwen.

"It's exactly like Earth pork" Jack told her "except it's usually a different color."

"Just what I need after a hard days work" Owen moaned "green pork."

"You haven't lived until you've tasted green pork" said Jack "and blue pork is even nicer."

"I think I'll just be sick now" Owen groaned "it'll save time later and leave room for the alien pork."

"I can't remember the last time I had pork" said Tosh "I'm quite looking forward to it. I don't care what color it is."

"I don't care either" said Gwen "pork is pork."

"I wonder what vegetables they'll serve with it" Tosh mused.

"Brussell sprouts would be appropriate" said Gwen "they're green as well, or maybe cabbage."

"I think I'll give the meal a miss" Owen muttered "I hate sprouts and cabbage."

"We'll all be at the meal" Jack informed them "because the Holmes lot will be there."

Owen gave a loud groan. Jack smiled sweetly at him. "You'll love alien pork" he said "it's delicious." Owen made gagging noises. "I'm going upstairs" Jack added "to change. I'm all sweaty. Are you coming, Ianto?"

"I like you all sweaty, Jack" said Ianto "but perhaps after dinner would be better."

"I'll hold you to that" said Jack.

********

While all this was going on team Holmes were getting acquainted with their accommodation. Sally found herself allocated a tiny room that had once been a cupboard. It was so small that the door opened outwards. It contained a bed and a bedside table with a lamp upon it and nothing else. There simply wasn't room for anything else. Sally lay down on the bed and imagined she was actually in a coffin. It was frightening.

Lestrade and Anderson were sharing a room which had only one large bed in it. Anderson was particularly incensed about this. "I'm not sleeping with you" he complained to Greg "suppose you snore or roll over onto me in the night. If you do I might need to kill you."

"If you kill me, I'll kill you back" said Greg. He was tired and didn't care who he slept with.

"And then I'll kill you again" snapped Anderson, and proceeded to hit Greg with one of the bed pillows. Greg grabbed a pillow and hit him back and soon they were having a pillow fight. It was amazingly enjoyable.

After a few moments Anderson flopped onto the bed groaning. "Oh God" he exclaimed "I'm having a pillow fight." Greg hit him firmly with his pillow for an answer so he got up again and the fight resumed.

In the next room Sherlock was lying on the bed fiddling with his phone while John unpacked both their bags. "I wish you'd give me a hand and stop playing with your phone" John complained. 

"Come and distract me then" said Sherlock "I love it when you distract me."

John gave a deep sigh and literally launched himself at the bed. He landed on top of Sherlock, wrapped his arms about the taller man and proceeded to undo Sherlock's shirt buttons with his teeth. He had, in fact, discovered this unique ability some months ago when he had broken both wrists falling down a manhole. Having undone all the shirt buttons he removed Sherlock's belt with his hands. He then went back to using his teeth on Sherlock's fly. Sherlock found this very exciting. After a few moments John slid down on the bed, pushed his head into Sherlock's groin and began to suck his erection through the material of his underpants. Sherlock made a great deal of noise and John was able to rub his own groin on the bed covers. When Sherlock came very noisily, shouting at the top of his voice that he was coming, John came too, in his clothing. It was all very messy, but surprisingly satisfying. They lay in a sweaty heap on the bed getting more and more uncomfortable until, far in the distance, they heard the sound of a gong.

"That must be the dinner gong" said Sherlock casually, not moving an inch.

John literally jumped off the bed and started to strip. "We have to be there" he said breathlessly "otherwise everyone will wonder where we are, and I don't want them to wonder where we are."

"I expect they'll guess" said Sherlock, closing his eyes.

"I don't mean our lot" John gasped out "I mean Torchwood."

Sherlock sat up looking worried. "I always suspected that frequent sex ruins the brain and now I know it does" he said "I'd forgotten all about Torchwood."

"Well get a move on" John said "you smell of sex." He wiped himself dry on his discarded underpants and started to fish around for a clean pair. "Hurry up" he told Sherlock, who was only just getting off the bed. Sherlock gave a sigh and hurried up, with the result that five minutes later both he and John were seated at the Castle's dining table alongside all the Torchwood members and their own little team.

********

Dinner proved to be an interesting experience as most of the food was green. They started with pea soup and then had green pork with cabbage and very odd looking green dumplings. Then they had cake with green icing and green ice cream. Sherlock picked at his food carefully but everyone else, even Owen, ate as if they hadn't eaten for a month. After the meal they adjourned to the great hall for coffee and biscuits, which mercifully weren't green.

Jack sidled up to Sherlock, who was sitting on one of the halls hard wooden benches, and winked at him. "I was upstairs earlier" he said, grinning widely "you were having a fantastic time by the sound of it. I bet I could make you shout even louder though. I'm bigger for a start."

"Size isn't important" said Sherlock haughtily.

"Oh I think it is" said Jack and laughed.

Sherlock stood up and went over to where the rest of his team were hovering by the tray of biscuits. It never ceased to amaze him how much they could eat. Anderson, in particular, ate like a horse, in fact, Sherlock sometimes thought, in idle moments, that if a horse was available Anderson could probably eat it all by himself, hooves included. "I think we should set up our equipment" he told them "so leave those biscuits alone for a moment."

"They're delicious" said Sally.

"Come right now and unload the bus" Sherlock snapped. They'd already had dinner, he thought crossly, why did they need biscuits as well?

Rather reluctantly they all followed him out of the hall, Anderson moaning all the way. Five minutes later Sherlock made an interesting discovery. Team Holmes's laser blaster was bigger than team Torchwoods. He stood looking at it for a moment and then went over to where Jack was standing alongside Ianto, eating biscuits. "Look at that" he said pointedly, knowing he was being juvenile but getting a buzz out of it all the same "our is bigger than yours."

"Size isn't important" said Jack, somewhat predictably.

"Oh I think it is" Sherlock replied, equally predictably.

"It's what you do with it that counts" Jack muttered.

"Precisely" Sherlock said "and by the way, we're expert Ghostbusters with a wealth of experience. I myself am more than capable of removing these pigs from the premises without any help, but with my team at my command we are invincible."

"We're quite capable of dealing with aliens dead or alive" said Jack, starting to sound irritated "we don't need you."

"We don't require your help" Sherlock informed him, scowling.

At that moment Gwen, Tosh and Sally arrived. "Men" said Sally "you can't take them anywhere."

"They're inclined to behave like children" Tosh sighed "even really intelligent men regress to childhood at the first sign of any bother."

"You should see the fuss my Rhys makes if I ask him to take out the rubbish or do the washing" Gwen added "you'd think I'd asked him to fly or something."

"Women" Jack complained "belong in bed or in a kitchen."

"I prefer them just in a kitchen" Sherlock said firmly "cooking."

"We should all work together" Tosh informed them crossly "we shouldn't be arguing over who's got the biggest something or other. They're experts at catching ghosts and we're experts at dealing with aliens. We should work together."

"Good idea" said Ianto, as he came over to them along with Owen, Lestrade and John.

"Well-------" said Jack slowly "maybe."

"It's a great idea" said John "I think we should take a vote on it. All in favor of working together raise a hand." Everyone except Sherlock and Anderson raised a hand. Sherlock suddenly found himself in the weird position of agreeing with Anderson. Slowly and reluctantly he raised one hand. "Carried" said John, looking pleased with himself "so, where do we start?"


	2. "They've already been killed" John pointed out "so we wont be killing them. We'll just be sending them to wherever alien pigs go when they die."

The pigs evidently ran about only at night so Team Torchwood and Team Holmes had some time to wait around before anything was likely to happen. Owen produced a pack of cards and they were all, with the exception of Sherlock and Anderson, playing poker when at around 10.30pm Mrs Absinthia Hammond came into the hall carrying a guitar. Just behind her was her enormous husband carrying a tin whistle. 

"We thought we might entertain you while you're waiting for the pigs" said Absinthia cheerfully.

"We often play in Town" said Greaves.

"We're quite popular" Absinthia added "and we write all our own material."

They then proceeded to make the most atrocious noises imaginable. Absinthia livened things up by singing to her guitar and Greaves accompanied her singing by banging his tin whistle rhythmically against his wife's bald head. Greaves then played his whistle while Absinthia danced what she said was a hornpipe. It was frightening. They played for around an hour and then said they were going to bed. As they left, the hall resounded with cheers and claps of relief.

"Thank God that's over" said Owen loudly, as soon as the Hammonds were out of sight "I thought my cousin Jim singing "I was born under a wandering star" in Russian was bad, but that was in a class of its own."

"My Uncle Henry can play the spoons" said Gwen.

"My Aunt Jane can play tunes with her elbow" said Ianto.

"I knew a man once who could fart the French National Anthem" Jack informed them all seriously.

"I think you can play tunes with your armpit if you practice" said Sally.

"I knew a man in Afghanistan who could play tunes with his left knee" John added.

"SHUT UP THE LOT OF YOU" Sherlock shouted "I've never heard such utter rubbish in my entire life. It's got nothing to do with catching these pigs, has it? I don't believe you can play a tune with your elbow or your knee either, unless you're deformed."

"I think it's possible to play tunes with almost anything, actually" said John "I can remember seeing someone on TV once who could play God Save the Queen by tapping a pencil on his teeth."

"I think I saw that" Tosh told him "and they had a man on who could play Loch Lomond by banging his feet on his thighs."

"I think it's the sweat that does it" Greg told Sherlock "if you sweat a lot you can probably do it. My Father had very sweaty knees and-----"

"Can you have sweaty knees?" asked Gwen.

"You can have sweaty anything" said Ianto "Jack, for example, has sweaty feet."

"I do not have sweaty feet" snapped Jack "I have great feet. Fantastic feet."

"Sweaty feet" added Ianto, grinning.

"They're large, but not sweaty" said Jack.

"Sherlock has large feet too" John informed everyone "but they aren't sweaty, more freezing cold."

"BE QUIET" shouted Sherlock, interrupting all the talk of sweat and feet "I can hear bleating and grunting."

True enough, the unmistakable sound of Pigs grunting and bleating was getting louder and louder and suddenly the door at the far end of the Great Hall opened and they all saw six gigantic green pigs run through it. They rushed across the hall, skidded in the ghost tracking powder and slid in a heap across the floor, all bleating and grunting madly. They came to rest in a heap right next to Torchwood's Laser blaster. The green grid lit up and the affixed camera started filming everything very efficiently. Jack grabbed up his ghost eliminator gun and fired it at the heap of pigs. The gun shot out a gush of pink foam which covered all the pigs and all the humans. The pigs reaction to this was to struggle upright again and run out of the nearest door, which happened to lead to a corridor. Everyone ran after them. They could hear them quite clearly but they had suddenly become invisible and only the tracking powder told where they were. 

"That was a disaster" Sherlock complained, as they all trekked back into the hall, brushing foam off their clothing.

"I don't understand why the gun didn't work" said Jack "it's never failed before."

"You must have missed them somehow" said Sherlock.

"I didn't miss them" Jack shouted "you should have shot. Maybe you'd have got them, since you're so perfect an' all."

"I didn't think it was necessary" said Sherlock stiffly.

"There wasn't enough foam in one shot" Jack scowled "we all should have shot together."

"I can still hear them" said Tosh "let's take the guns and go after them."

"Bring the powder too" Jack told them all "we have to know where to fire."

They all followed the sound of running pigs feet and bleating and grunting, John, Owen and Anderson tossing the ghost tracking powder everywhere they went. They followed the pigs outside the house and into a small building which Sherlock informed them was a cart shed. There were no carts in there but they did, as their eyes got used to the darkness in the shed, see six green alien pigs eating what appeared to be turnips.

"Good" said Sherlock "they're visible again."

"They're eating" said Tosh, quietly "how can they be eating when they're dead?"

"Anything's possible with aliens" said Jack "I once had sex with a man who had ten legs and tentacles and-----."

"Never mind all that rubbish" Sherlock snapped impatiently "let's just shoot them."

"I don't think it's right to shoot something when it's eating" said Gwen.

"Neither do I" said Sally.

"Perhaps the turnips are ghosts too" laughed Owen.

"I hate turnips" said Anderson.

"They've already been killed" John pointed out "so we wont be killing them. We'll just be sending them to wherever alien pigs go when they die."

"Oh for fucks sake" Sherlock moaned. He aimed his gun and shot foam all over the eating pigs. One of them promptly made a loud whistling noise and collapsed in a heap on the floor of the shed. The other pigs stopped eating and made a joint rush at the door of the shed, which was, at that moment, occupied by Anderson holding a bag of powder. The pigs ran at him, knocked him to the ground, ran over him and escaped. The sixth pig was still lying on the shed floor, but it was slowly dissolving into a heap of evil smelling green sludge much to everyones relief. Anderson got up, unhurt, but moaning loudly.

"They ran over me" he complained "and none of you did anything. You all just stood there and watched."

"You aren't hurt" said Sherlock "so stop moaning."

"I could have been killed" said Anderson.

"He could have been killed" Sally repeated.

"You can't be killed by the ghost of an alien pig" said Jack "believe me, I know."

"It wasn't just one though" Anderson muttered, angrily.

"It doesn't matter how many there are" Jack said "to kill you they'd have to imbibe your spirit or something and that takes ages."

"Never mind all that" Sherlock shouted "Let's get the others." He looked flushed with excitement. John followed him out of the shed. Sherlock was at his best when on the chase, he thought. The others trailed somewhat reluctantly behind. Gwen and Sally were still saying that it wasn't right to kill something that was eating, and Anderson was still saying he could have been killed, but they followed Sherlock anyhow.

The pigs ran back into the house through a side door. They ran right through the shut door which proved to be, rather inconveniently, locked. "I'll go and get a key off the Hammonds" said Jack "I wont be a moment."

"Let's just kick it in" said Owen.

Sherlock went to the door and, producing a set of keys from one pocket, unlocked the door. "No need" he announced smugly. They found the pigs in the large basement kitchen. They were making so much noise running about and bleating and grunting and snorting that Owen declared they could probably hear them in London. Jack, Sherlock and John got as near to the pigs as they thought they could without making them run again and fired their foam. The pigs were duly covered in foam. They stood, snorting and grunting, foam dripping all over the kitchen floor. Then two of the pigs whistled loudly and fell down. "Got you" said Sherlock, as the pigs started to dissolve.

"Oh that smell" Tosh complained "it's like hundreds of rotten eggs."

"The delicate aroma of dead pigs" said Owen.

The three remaining pigs jumped, surprisingly nimbly, over their fallen comrades and ran out of the kitchen followed by ten irritated humans. They ran up the basement stairs and out of the house."Why don't the damn things stay in one place?" Owen complained.

"We're trying to kill them" said Gwen "that's why."

"We can't kill them" Anderson snapped "they're already dead. You can't die more than once, can you?"

"You'd be surprised" Jack muttered.

The three pigs, including, amazingly, the one with only five legs, started running toward the ha-ha. As they ran they abruptly became invisible again. "They're heading for the ha-ha" Sherlock shouted "cut them off some of you. They'll disappear until tomorrow if we don't get them now."

"Why are you giving orders?" Jack complained "I'm in charge. I'm the oldest."

"I think I might be the oldest" said Greg.

"It doesn't matter who the oldest is, does it?" asked Ianto.

"The wisdom of age must count for something" Greg remarked.

Sherlock ignored them. "Get in front of the ha-ha and fire at them" he shouted, starting to run again.

Owen, Tosh, Greg, John, and Anderson stood in front of the ha-ha. Gwen, Sally, Jack, Ianto and Sherlock faced them from a distance of about 15 feet. The sound of running pigs feet sounded right by them and they stood aside for a moment and heard the feet run past. "Fire" shouted Jack and Sherlock together. Masses of foam flew up in the air and the pigs became visible. Foam covered, they lay panting just in front of Owen and the others, who were also covered in the foam of course. Within moments two of the pigs started to turn into the familiar green sludge. The five legged pig just stood there beside its fallen comrades. Then it bleated loudly and jumped off the ha-ha.

"God" said Owen, holding his nose "what a stink."

"We have to clean all that up" said Sherlock "and the sludge in the shed too."

"We have the technology" Jack remarked cheerfully. He flashed his teeth at them all. He was very proud of his teeth.

"There's still one left" said Gwen. It'll come back tomorrow."

"Oh fuck" said Owen, scowling.

"We'll stay until tomorrow and then we'll get it" Jack told them "it wont stand a chance."

"Poor little thing" said Tosh "it's only got five legs."

"It's not a poor little thing" Owen snapped at her "it's huge and it's ALREADY DEAD."

"Don't you talk to her like that" said Sally "she's just sensitive."

"We have to get rid of it" Jack told them "that's what we're being paid for. Now let's get the stuff and clean up all the sludge and then we can go to bed."

There was a lot of groaning at that but they cleaned up the sludge anyhow. All of them. Even Sherlock cleaned a bit. Then they all went to bed. 

********

The bed situation was not actually ideal. The castle had many rooms but most of them were empty. There were a limited number of bedrooms. That was why Sally was in a cupboard and Greg and Anderson were sharing a room and a bed. Sherlock and John and Jack and Ianto were also sharing rooms with only one bed in each room, but they didn't mind. Owen found himself sleeping in the attic which was very cold. However he did have a bed all to himself. Gwen and Tosh were in a small room with two single beds, which was a great relief to them both as they had shared a room and a bed once before, when they had discovered that Gwen kicked in her sleep and Tosh shouted in Japanese.

Anderson was particularly unhappy about sharing his bed. He gave Greg a long list of what not to do when in bed. Greg nodded and promptly forgot everything the moment he got under the covers. They both fell asleep very quickly and almost right away gravitated toward each other until they were cuddled together. It was as well they were fast asleep at the time. Sally lay awake for ages and then fell asleep and dreamed she was being suffocated. Tosh fell asleep very quickly and kept Gwen awake for ages shouting out Japanese poetry. Owen, in his attic, amused himself for a while by watching a mouse going in and out of a hole. He thought of killing it but fell asleep before he got around to it, which was lucky for the mouse.

Jack and Ianto had an en suit bathroom in their room. Jack took a quick shower while Ianto turned the bed covers down, undressed and tidied up his own and Jack's discarded clothing. When Ianto had finished his, slightly more leisurely, shower he found Jack lying on the bed on a towel. He was already hard and as Ianto walked toward him his cock gave a jump and then jumped again. 

"He's saying hi" said Jack, grinning.

Ianto didn't answer. He climbed onto the bed and kissed Jack hard. He moved down his body, kissing and sucking and biting. Jack groaned. He liked Ianto when he was in one of his I'm in control moods. He found it very exciting. 

In the very next room, Sherlock and John sat side by side in bed, silently listening to Jack and Ianto. "They were very noisy" said John at last, as the noise from next door finally ceased.

"You're noisy sometimes too" said Sherlock. 

"Not as noisy as that" John told him.

"It's given me some ideas" said Sherlock.

"Not tonight" John sighed "the walls seem to be thin here and they'll hear everything."

"I don't care" said Sherlock. 

"No" John said, sighing "but I do."

Sherlock pouted and lay down in the bed. "I wont get any sleep now" he complained "I'm frustrated."

"Join the club" John answered "maybe they'll get up early and we'll have a half hour to spare and then maybe we could--------" he paused because Sherlock had his eyes shut and didn't appear to be listening. "Sherlock?" John muttered, crossly "are you listening to me?" His only answer was a loud snore. "So much for insomnia" John snapped, as he lay down and shut his own eyes "now I probably wont sleep." Five minutes later he was in dreamland where Sherlock had suddenly sprouted wings and was flying over a herd of green pigs, shooting them with a bazooka. It was quite arousing, in a weird way. Must try that, John thought aimlessly in his dream. Looks like fun. He and Sherlock rolled together in their sleep and spent a peaceful night wrapped in each others arms.

********

The next morning the two Teams had breakfast together in a large room that Absinthia called the Breakfast nook, although it was far to large to be a nook. On a long sideboard lay a row of dishes on hot plates. As everyone sat eating and drinking inevitably the conversation strayed to the night before. Anderson had awoken with Lestrade's morning hard on pressed against his back. This had put him in a seriously bad mood, which had worsened when Greg had suggested they fuck as it was too early for breakfast. 

Jack told everyone that he and Ianto had had a peaceful night and Sherlock promptly said that he had been kept awake by their antics and John then said Sherlock's snoring had kept him awake for hours resulting in Sherlock saying he didn't snore. Then Gwen complained that Tosh shouted gibberish in her sleep, Sally said she had had nightmares about dying for lack of air and Owen said he had been awakened by a mouse sitting on his face cleaning itself, which was true. John then tried to get Sherlock to eat something and Sherlock said he was full, although he had only had a cup of coffee and one piece of bacon. Anderson screamed that if Greg went near him again there would be bloodshed and Greg said it wouldn't be his blood. Tosh said she didn't ever shout gibberish and Gwen said it sounded like gibberish. Ianto and Jack then got up and went back to their room leaving everyone else glowering. 

At this inopportune moment Greaves came in saying that he and Absinthia had arranged a Treasure hunt in the grounds for them. He said he expected them all to participate, so Owen went upstairs to tell Jack and Ianto and found them naked in a bath together. They were not pleased to be disturbed.

After several more arguments they all assembled outside in pairs and were given a list of clues by Greaves. Anderson said he wasn't going to work with Greg, so Sally and Greg were paired and Anderson found himself with Owen, which didn't please him either. 

After they had all separated John read the first clue aloud to Sherlock. "Go to the O and turn right for ten " he read "then find Patch." 

"Not even good English" Sherlock moaned "it should say the patch."

"It's a name" said John "it's capitalized."

"It's probably an error" Sherlock said loftily "after all these people are called Greaves and Absinthia. They don't come from sensible families."

"So what" John snapped, irritated "you're called Sherlock and your brother is Mycroft. What's sensible about that?"

"I'd rather be called Sherlock than Absinthia" said Sherlock, pouting "where did they get that from I wonder? Unless it's from Absinthe, which is an anise-flavored spirit derived from herbs, including the flowers and leaves of the herb artemisia absinthium, commonly referred to as "grande wormwood"." 

John looked pained. "Please leave your dictionary out of this, Sherlock" he said firmly "I know what Absinthe is. Perhaps her parents were French alcoholics" he added. 

Sherlock looked surprised for a moment and then he started to laugh. "The O probably stands for Orangery" he said "simple, but they are simple, aren't they?"

"Let's find the Orangery then" John suggested. They started to walk across the green at the back of the house and within moments saw a glass roofed building in the distance. Everyone else on the hunt seemed to be heading for it. Sherlock began to run. John followed him. So did everyone else. It seemed the hunt was going to be too easy.

Three hours, and ten clues later Sherlock and John finally reached the end of the hunt and found the Treasure buried in a hole just beside a very large purple Hebe. It was an envelope containing £2000. No-one else was in sight having been lead astray by Sherlock telling them all that "dig beside the Maple" meant they had to dig behind the Maple or at the front, when he and John had already found the clue in question at the left hand side and had then left it six feet up the tree tucked into a branch. This was, of course, Sherlock's idea, but John had to admit to himself that watching everyone struggling and digging and arguing was great fun as long as they kept out of sight.

Once they had all straggled back to the house, Sherlock kindly showed them the money. There was some shouting and swearing at that but it was interrupted, luckily for Sherlock and John's health, by the luncheon gong. Lunch was, predictably, pork sandwiches.

After lunch, Absinthia played the piano and encouraged everyone to sing. This made Sherlock ill and he had to go and lie down in a darkened room to recover. John lay down with him. He told everyone that Sherlock needed soothing. He carefully didn't mentioned cock sucking which he had discovered some time ago was a very good way of soothing Sherlock, and he himself found it quite soothing as well. He didn't mention that either.

Dinner was pork chops. Owen said if he saw another piece of pork he would go insane. He ate everything though. All in all there was a distinct lack of enthusiasm about the pork chops. They mostly struggled through them though. Even Sherlock ate half a chop. It was that kind of meal. For dessert they had plum pudding. It was quite stodgy but to everyone's amazement Sherlock loved it and ate three helpings, saying it was just like he had had at home as a small boy.

Finally, after several hours of card games, they got ready to welcome the final pig and send it to wherever pigs went when they died. They assembled in the Hall and waited and waited and waited, and finally, when both Sally and Anderson had fallen asleep in their chairs, the now familiar sound of limping pig was heard approaching. Everyone except Sally and Anderson, who both went on sleeping, stood up and looked at the door of the hall. Sure enough, the pig, snorting and bleating, lumbered clumsily through the wall and stood, panting slightly, its eyes wild, glaring at its human opponents.

Jack and Sherlock raised their guns and the next moment the pig was covered in pink foam. It gave a loud whistle of anguish and fell down in a heap on the hall floor. Within moments all that was left was the usual pile of green, evil smelling sludge. "Well" Jack announced, as they all held their noses "that's that then." Everyone except Sally, Anderson and Sherlock applauded that remark. Jack grinned, making sure they all got a good look at his ultra sparkling teeth.

So that was the end of the Case of the Green Pigs, as John insisted on calling it in his blog. Anderson was irritated that he missed the last pig being zapped and Sherlock said his team could have managed easily on their own, in fact, he added that he probably could have managed on his own. All in all, however, it was declared to be a successful enterprise and Jack, for one, said he had thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it, even eating all that green pork. 

When John and Sherlock arrived home the following day, somewhat richer, but tired, Mrs Hudson met them at the door. "I thought you'd be hungry when you got home" she said "so I've cooked you a lovely supper. You owe me but you can pay tomorrow first thing in the morning. It's in the microwave. You just need to heat it up. It's already cooked."

"Thank you, Mrs Hudson" said John politely "what exactly is it you've made for us by the way?"

"Oh" said Mrs Hudson "it's my own special recipe. Pork stew."

 

THE END.


End file.
